My Thorn Again

No matter what, the thorn when it pricks still hurts.   I may prepare for it, expect it, and know how it feels; but, I can't avoid the searing pain when it pierces the heart.  It is on the altar and His grace is sufficient for me; but, it doesn't stop me from feeling the heart-rending tearing pain.   And, it does not help to be going through this "loss" that I am starting to prepare for and adjust to.   It just makes me wonder anew, fueled by my doubts and insecurities.   I don't fully understand, but I trust in my Lord and God.   I can only hope that I continue to grow through this, that this helps me to be more compassionate and empathetic to those in pain, and that it will help me to draw near to HIM who supplies all my needs.  And I will continue to look to the Truths in His Word.

23-Feb:  It is interesting that a realization came to me today.   While I have felt that part of the reason that I am in my current circumstances is because I went along with expectations to become part of CCF.   Yet, when I thought of what really contributed to my being able to teach class at this time of my life, I attribute it mostly to what I learned and the experience I gained while serving as a Bible Study leader in CCF.  So, again, it enforces that God's Hand is in this, though it is my thorn.

5-May:  I learned that my thorn actually makes me vulnerable and susceptible to particular circumstances that I have to work extra hard to guard my heart and not let emotions cloud my eyes.  When I recently went thru disappointment again, I had to ponder why.  What I came up with is that I am now more aware of my "weaknesses".  But, I was also once again reassured that God continues to be with me, even with my thorn.  I was able to see first-hand what it looked like to get to know and interact with someone who has many of the qualities that I've been looking for - leadership, respect, communication, attention to and care for details, etc.   Also, being able to lead a study of the Bible and a discussion of our beliefs intelligently are very attractive qualities.  So, I was reminded that I really need to wait for these all important qualities and not to settle for anyone who does not have them.  Though it turns out that this person was not available and is not the right person for me, yet it was encouraging that he told me that I was not only smart but attractive, and paid me several compliments, showing that he was able to recognize the "treasure" in me.   I am disappointed; but, I still trust in the LORD for His Plan.  It's nice to know that I was able to connect with someone I respect and like.

30-May:  In my small group study, we had a lesson using 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 on the Thorn as one of the main passages.  A thought came to me during the study on Adversity, that those who have gone through the same adversity are in turn better able to comfort others; which reminded me that Christ is actually able to fully understand what I am going through with my thorn.

22-Jun:  God gave me encouragement at a time when I was feeling the pain of my thorn.  Just yesterday, one person from my class said that he's had conversations with others where my name would come up and people would say that they cannot believe that I'm still not married because I have so much to offer.  I also had a chance to meet his son.   It's nice to know that there are some nice single Christian guys out there.  Today, the mom of the person I had went on a blind date with actually stopped to ask me to pray for her son, that he will be led to the position of ministry that God calls him to.  It is good that I've been able to process through the blind date experience fully and am happy to be able to be praying for him.  But, it is interesting that him mom asked me to pray for him.   Then the widow of a pastor from my previous church actually came into my class today and asked if it was okay to bring a single guy that she knows to my class.  It's nice that there are people who would like to introduce me to others.

4-Jul:  I read an article today that talked about our "single identity baggage".   It's true that as we grow older, we accumulate more and more "bags".  We carry these bags around and hope that whoever we marry will like what's in our bags, and that we look at whether they have as many "bags" as us.  Another analogy used is being in an auction.  There are some who think they have more to "bid"; yet, end up single b/c they never try to bid.  The article concluded with a reminder not to rely too much on our "baggage" because our identity really should just be in Christ.

Devotions '14

I started using the "Life Principles Daily Bible" from Charles Stanley, and I really like it.  I'm just going to use this one resource this year; so that, hopefully, the quality of my quiet time would improve due to reducing the quantity of material.

To start off with, something from the Life Principles article for the January 1st reading, stood out since it was addressing my area of focus this year:  "But we cannot fully love one another until we have ourselves experienced the love of God."  In essence, obeying the greatest commandment enables us to obey the second.   So, what I learned last year, can apply to this year; in that, I can learn to love others more by following God's example of love for me as well.

6-Jan:  As I read Genesis 3:8, what a sad fact that our sin causes us to hide from the awesome and wonderful presence of the Lord.  And then, after the flood in Genesis 9:1, God gave Noah essentially the same command as Adam & Eve:  "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth"; which showed that this was truly a new start.  Sadly, man's sin nature manifested itself again in that very same chapter.  God is truly gracious and patient.

9-Jan:  As I was reading the story of Abram & Sarai, and the "mess" they made by pulling Hagar into the covenant that God had made with Abram; it reminded me that I am sometimes like that.   I may know what God has said; but, I might second-guess and wonder how He would fulfill it or maybe take the path that I can see how it might be fulfilled instead of trusting God to do what He said, even if it seems "impossible".

10-Jan:  Gen 18:14a "Is anything too difficult for the LORD?" clearly stood out in yesterday's devotional reading.   In fact, we've seen variations of this Truth throughout Scripture, like when God asked Moses "Is the LORD's arm too short?"; or when the angel told Mary "For nothing is impossible with God!"  God said it when Sarah laughed, not believing that she would be able to bear a child at her age; reminding me that I need to trust God in His promises and never forget that He is ABLE.

6-Feb:

• As Isaac was looking for a wife, Gen 24:63 says he went out to meditate, and when he lifted his eyes, he saw Rebekah riding on a camel.  I get the sense that when he was "meditating", he was spending time with God in prayer; and it makes me wonder if seeing Rebekah at that moment was a direct answer to prayer.  
• In Gen 29:35, when Leah gave birth, she said "This time I will praise the LORD" and named her son Judah, which means praise.   After trying to find happiness in her husband, her children, she finally looks to God and gives praise to HIM.   And interestingly, Judah is the one from whose line will be born the Messiah.
• In reading the story of Joseph in Genesis 41, we are reminded that we need to wait and trust in the LORD for His perfect timing and greater Plan; and that we can grow and be prepared, especially through dark times.
• In Exodus 5:22, when Moses said "O Lord, why have You brought harm to this people? Why did You ever send me?" was exactly the passage I was thinking of as I was going through a situation in which this applied.  It is just like God to bring me to this passage just a couple of days after the incident, to remind me that He is still at work even when we only see what appears to be our failings despite good intentions and obedience.  We just need to wait for Him to "finish the story"
• Exodus 13:17-19 contain several good reminders - we might sometimes be led into the "wilderness" because God is protecting us from something far worse, in essence letting us go through only what we can handle.  And Moses bringing the bones of Joseph out of Egypt showing Joseph's faith and assurance in God's promise of deliverance in bringing them back to the Promised Land.

9-Mar:  I read in devotions the Leviticus 10:1-2 passage from which John MacArthur undoubtedly got the title of his book "Strange Fire" from.  It was a really intriguing verses, where it was mentioned that Aaron's sons were consumed by fire from the Lord after they offered "strange fire" contrary to His commands.  From the context of the passage and what the book is about, it seems like a great title for the book.   I received it as a Christmas gift and am looking forward to reading it.

15-Apr:

• Exodus 32:15 shows that the LORD can "change His mind" through intercession, when Moses pleaded for God not to destroy the Israelites for their sin
• Exodus 36:1 talks about skillful persons "in whom the LORD has put skill and understanding to know how to perform all the work in the construction of the sanctuary".  This shows that not only are our spiritual gifts given by God; but also our natural gifts, and both can be used for His service
• Psalm 25:16-17 stood out, for these verses reflect a common cry of my heart:  "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart are enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses."
• Deut 9:3 is a good reminder that God goes before us and enables us:  "Know therefore today that it is the LORD your God who is crossing over before you as a consuming fire.  He will destroy them and He will subdue them before you, so that you may drive them out and destroy them quickly, just as the LORD has spoken to you."
• Deut 12:18 fits in with finding the "joy in living":  "You shall rejoice before the LORD your God in all your undertakings"
• Joshua 6 - The victory over Jericho was not about blowing the trumpets, marching around the wall, shouting, or any of the specific things that the Israelites did.   It was really all about OBEDIENCE.  God already gave them victory, they just need to OBEY.

18-Jun:

• 2 Sam 24:10 shows that a heart sensitive to the Spirit will be troubled when we sin, for King David was troubled after numbering the people, and then asked for forgiveness
• One application of the story of the healed blind man in John 9 is really beautiful - that though we may face difficulties and have people who criticize, we have the hope that God can be glorified in our circumstances.  And when we tell others what He has done in our lives, He will make us a great witness for Him!
• Similar to what God told Joshua, in 1 Kings 2:3, David encourages Solomon by reminding him that "success" comes from keeping God's commands
• 1 Kings 8:10 shows the presence of the LORD filling the Temple.  Today, He lives in hearts of believers, and when we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we are filled with His Presence which should naturally result in worship
• 1 Kings 13:1 refers to one prophet only as a "man of God", never giving his name.  Sometimes, we may be called to serve Him in quiet anonymity, but we can be assured that God knows our name and sees our service
• 1 Kings 19:2 is an example that great challenges often follow great victories.  Elijah had just had his great victory on Mt Carmel, and directly afterwards, his life is threatened by Jezebel, which fills him with fear and causes him to run and hide in depression. Yet God provides for him and reminds him of His gentle Presence; and then in 2 Kings 1:10, we see that after time alone with God, Elijah is re-energized and boldly speaks to King Ahaziah without fear
• In John 15:11, Jesus says that His joy may be in us and our joy may be made full when we keep His commandments and abide in His love.   Again, joy is linked to His presence, for we need to be abiding in Him; whereas, when we fail to keep His commandments, it hurts our relationship with Him

26-Jun:

• In 2 Kings 11:2, Satan tried to wipe out the Davidic line by using Queen Athaliah killing the royal offspring.  But, God protected Joash and hid him in the house of the LORD for six years.  This brings to mind that throughout history, Satan has also tried to destroy God's chosen people (e.g. during the time of Esther, the holocaust, etc)
• "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"  (Psalm 73:26)  - The devotional used this verse to describe "burnout", and we are reminded that we can "return to the Flame and be rekindled".  Amen!
• In 2 Kings 19:19, King Hezekiah prayed for deliverance that "all the kingdoms of the earth may know that You alone, O LORD, are God".   God heard his prayer and struck the Assyrians in a mighty way.   What a reminder that "when we fight our battles on our knees, we win every time."

6-Jul:

• Typically, I don't find the genealogy passages in the Bible to be very interesting, but one verse in 1 Chron 7:24 stood out to me.  It talked about Sheerah "who built lower and upper Beth-horon, also Uzzen-sheerah."  Wow!  In that time period among this very patriarchal culture, a woman is credited with building a couple of cities.  There is not a lot of information on her, so there are not really any additional details.  It just encouraged me that God does use some exceptional women in special ways.
• In Psalm 77:4, Asaph said "You have held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak."  This does bring to mind sleepless nights when something is troubling us deeply.  And the "solution" the Psalmist gave came in vs 11 "I shall remember the deeds of the LORD...I will meditate on all Your work....You are the God who works wonders".  This tells me that when we are troubled, we can focus on His Faithfulness and His ability to work wonders!
• In 1 Chron 13, after God struck down Uzza because he touched the ark, even in thinking to keep it from falling, vs 12a said that "David was afraid of God that day..."  It was a terrible circumstance, and David had even gotten angry about it.  But, out of the awful event, David was reminded to FEAR GOD, for He is Holy, that His commandments must be obeyed, and that He judges sin.  And it may be that this is what led David to be even more careful in vs 15:2 when he gave careful instructions regarding the ark.   We really must FEAR God, and remember that in His Holiness, He hates sin.
• In Acts 7:56, Stephen said he saw "the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God".  The note in the devotional Bible made an interesting point that I had never really seen before, that when Jesus ascended to heaven, He "sat down at the right hand of the throne of God"; yet here, He is "standing", possible to greet this first Christian martyr.   This demonstrates that Jesus is not just sitting and watching from heaven all that is going on with us; but, that He is actively involved and paying attention.
• 1 Chron 21:1 says "Then Satan stood up against Israel and moved David to number Israel."  This is a reminder that our Enemy, the Devil, does stand against us and is actively trying to tempt us to fall into sin.  In this case, he unfortunately succeeded with causing David to number Israel, thus incurring God's displeasure.
• The Acts 9 passage on the road to Damascus is an illustration of how God uses adversity to get our attention.   Saul received a "wake-up call" when Christ got his attention on that road, and his life changed forever!
• 1 Chron 29:9 "Then the people rejoiced because they had offered willingly, for they made their offering to the LORD with a whole heart..." supports what God has reminded me of this past couple of months, that giving to God is a privilege and it brings us joy to be able to give back to Him, what He has first given to us.

19-Jul:

• 2 Chron 13:18b "The sons of Judah conquered because they trusted in the LORD the God of their fathers" & 2 Chron 14:7b "'The land is still ours because we have sought the LORD our God; we have sought Him and He has given us rest on every side.' So they built and prospered"- Throughout Scripture, we see how God blesses and delivers those who trust in Him!
• 2 Chron 15:4 "But in their distress they turned to the LORD God of Israel, and they sought Him, and He let them find Him." - Another reminder that the who seek the LORD will find HIM!
• Psalm 81:8 was a reminder of how important it is to take the time to LISTEN to the LORD.  This inspired me to just sit quietly in order to sense God's Presence and to listen to His small still voice
• 2 Chron 18:13 "But Micaiah said, 'As the LORD lives, what my God says, that I will speak.'" - the prophet Micaiah stood firm against pressure to speak favorable words to the king, and did not waver in speaking the words God gave him, so much so that the king hated him and identified him as one who "never prophesies good" concerning him.   Yet, Micaiah spoke the truth and vindicated in his proclamation of disaster against the king, when "a certain man drew his bow at random and struck the king" (2 Chron 18:33) - no matter what man does to the contrary, God's Word will come to pass
• Acts 16:30-31 clearly tell us how to be saved:  "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved."
• 2 Chron 20:15b "The battle is not yours but God's" - This truth is an echo of that seen in Joshua's battle against Jericho and in David's battle against Goliath.  No enemy can stand when He is leading us in battle.
• 2 Chron 24 - The story of Joash is one that ends tragically.   As a baby, God preserved him from death by hiding him in the temple with Jehoiada the priest.  In the beginning of his reign, he "did what was right in the sight of the LORD all the days of Jehoiada the priest".  BUT, after Jehoiada dies, Joash abandons God and served idols.  At the death of Joash, he was so despised, especially for the murder of Zechariah the son of Jehoiada, that he was not allowed to be buried in the tombs of the kings.   There are so many lessons to learn from this story - to continually have good influence of godly people in our lives, to be able to stand firm in our own faith and not depend on others, and to be faithful to the end.

6-Aug: 

• Manasseh is generally remembered as an evil king, but, when God brought the Assyrians to capture him, "he entreated the LORD his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers."  And God heard his prayers, and it said, in 2 Chron 33:13b "..Then Manasseh knew that the LORD was God"; and the following verses showed him making changes consistent with his restored relationship with the LORD.
• In Ezra 8:22-23, I was reminded that Ezra lived out his trust in God, just as he had declared; ensuring that his actions were consistent with his words, even in light of danger from the enemies
• In Nehemiah, the people had drifted from the LORD, and we are reminded that some signs of drifting are:  1) losing interest in God's Word, 2) neglecting Prayer, 3) losing interest in Church, 4) not giving time or money, 5) not sharing Jesus with others, and 6) no longer feeling close to God
• Nehemiah 13:26 demonstrates clearly why believers are not to marry unbelievers, maybe even more so than the unequally yoked passage, for here it tells us "Did not Solomon king of Israel sin regarding these things?  Yet among the many nations there was no king like him, and he was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel; nevertheless the foreign women caused even him to sin."

25-Oct:  

• Related to the Book of Job, we are reminded that "God Limits Our Adversity".   There are times when it may seem like our sorrow will never pass, but, it will.  God will only allow a trial to continue until it accomplishes His purpose in our lives; and He will bring it to an end according to His timetable.
• Ecclesiastes 5:19 reminds me of the that what God has given us, we are to use it to bless others - the picture is one of a funnel rather than an container
• In 1 Corinthians 11:26, it says that when we partake in the Lord's Supper, we "proclaim the Lord's death until He comes", which tells us that it is not only a remembrance of what Christ did for us on the cross, but also should help us to look forward to His Return
• Isaiah 3:10-11 is a clear statement that the righteous will be rewarded with the "fruit of their actions"; but the wicked will get what they deserve
• Related to Psalm 107:9 that God satisfies our soul, the devotional tells us that means God fulfills all our needs - belonging (in His family), worth (ransom paid by Christ), and competence (enabled by the Holy Spirit).  This reminds me of Valued, Able, and Loved.

17-Nov: 

• Isaiah 30:1 describes the rebellious as those who execute plans that are not God's....that's convicting
• 2 Corinth 9:8 essentially says that God gives to us that we may give to others; and points to Life Principle#23 that "You can never outgive God"
• What Paul said in 2 Corinth 11:28 about "the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches" resonated with me, because I sometimes feel "pressure" out of my concern for those in my class also
• Isaiah 43:7 says that we have been created for His glory, which tells me that our purpose is to manifest God' majesty and reflect who He is
• What a beautiful promise in Isaiah 43:20 "I have given waters in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people."  And as the devotional pointed out, it also means that God does not promise to keep us out of the "wilderness" or "desert", but that He will provide what we need to sustain us through it
• In Galatians 4:9, Paul said "I am again in labor until Christ is formed in you", and as the devotional pointed out, the goal is not just to "sin less" or "do better", it is total transformation until we reflect Jesus.  That's convicting....
• Eph 3:13 is an encouragement not to "lose heart at my tribulations", a reminder that God has a purpose through it all
• Isaiah 58:10 is a really good verse to encourage reaching out to those in need:  "And if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted.  Then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom will become like midday"

New Year '14

Well, 2014 has now arrived.  It's New Years' Day.   I am actually ready and looking forward to what God will be doing this year.   My prayer is that He will use me for His Kingdom purposes, and that He will guide me in all that I do, and that I will grow in HIM.

I'm reminded that we continually need to make decisions about what we allow into our lives, with the culture and media now upholding less and less of God's moral standards.  I'm disappointed that even a traditionally family event like the Rose Parade has decided to allow something that the majority of the country has shown by their votes that they do not agree to or support.   It is all around us and we are faced with it daily; so, we need to work harder to walk in His Ways in a culture that often promotes the contrary.

Last night, I celebrated New Year's Eve with some friends who invited friends who all brought their kids.  It's been awhile since I've been around so many kids; but, it was interesting.   It was a good time of fellowship.   Today, I will be spending some time with another friend of mine who will be bringing her kids.   I wonder what it says that I'm starting of my new year atypically surrounded by kids....  For both, I put together a fruit plate on a tray, mainly grapes and blackberries; and then cut some pineapple slices (chunks would've worked as well), and also cut some oranges (I cut them in bite-sized chunks after cutting off the skins; but, maybe slices would've worked as well also)

I place this new year into God's Hands.   May He be glorified.   Amen!

Zechariah

I am now looking forward to the Bible Study series on Zechariah.  It is so amazing to see what the Spirit reveals to me as I do preparations for the series.  This also ties in well with the study of Luke we just finished this year, since it is the most Messianic of the prophetic books, next to Isaiah. While it is also apocalyptic, I can focus more on the fulfilled prophecy.

It's also the longest of the Minor Prophets (i.e. the most "major"); which works well, since the study will take us through to May.

My outline will be based on the theme of "Motivation and Encouragement".  Unlike most of the other prophets, Zechariah uses positive motivation, focusing on the blessings that will be received when we are obedient as God's People; rather than on the negative things that happen for the disobedient.   And, one of the key verses from the book is one of my favorite:  "So He said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty." (Zechariah 4:6)

In the introduction, I will ask the class to consider how they would go about motivating a group of people to do what they've been neglecting.  From the outline, I would say that one summary overview of the book would be that the most effective motivation and encouragement comes from looking at what God has done and Who He is.

This series applies to me personally in that there are times when I've been in need of motivation and encouragement, and these truths will be a good reminder.  We can be motivated by reminders of lessons from the past, living for the Lord, being filled with grace when we mourn our sins, and also remembering that the LORD provides comfort & blessing, is with us, has taken away from our sins, is just, is priest and king, is faithful & true, delivers, cares & answers, is the true shepherd, is God even through trials, reigns, and that the Spirit enables.  This should encourage whenever we face repeated trials, have just gone through discipline and reproof, are not sensing God's presence, feel shame due to sin, are discouraged by inadequacies, see oppression, are disillusioned by earthly leaders, are just "going through the motions", have doubts, fear enemies, feel like He is not listening, are going through trials, or are in need of hope.

Also, I may have opportunity to utilize the new room configuration, in that we may be able to do some sharing around the tables on each area of motivation in each person's life; and then to share with the class as a whole; since, the chapters are not very long and we may occasionally have extra time.

I trust God to bless this study and to give me wisdom and guidance as I facilitate.

5-Jan:  As I've been meditating on this book, it occurred to me that one of the reasons that motivation and encouragement comes from looking to God; because it helps to take our eyes off of ourselves and our situation; and allows us to get the proper perspective.

16-Jan:  Some examples of specific prophesies from Zechariah fulfilled in the Gospels are:

•  Zech 9:9 - Triumphal Entry ("Matt 21:5" and "John 12:15")
• Zech 11:12-13 - Betrayal with 30 pieces of silver (Matt 26:14-15 & 27:5-7)
• Zech 12:10 - Pierced (John 19:34-37)
• Zech 13:7 - Shepherd Struck ("Matt 26:31")

Looking Forward

As I look forward to seeing what God will do next year; I see that He is still at work this year teaching me and helping me to grow.   Just in my area of focus on Loving God, last night's devotions stood out clearly "In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands." (1 John 5:3a)  And then, this morning as I read the verse for the day, it was a reminder of the importance of saying it:  "I love you, O Lord, my strength." (Psalm 18:1) 

And then, already He is showing me areas that I can put into practice Loving Others.   Starting with ringing in the New Year with others, I've also been invited to a fundraising dinner early in the year for Ugandan Lambs; for which I have an opportunity to invite someone and hopefully bless them as well.

29-Dec:  On this last Sunday of 2013, I praise God for His faithfulness and graciousness, still being at work in my life despite my failings.   He was able to clearly show me that I should study Zechariah in the next Bible Study series for my class.  Also, I was really  blessed with the time I was able to spend with my friend who came to worship with me today.   We can relate to each other in the things we go through and what God teaches us.  We shared about seeking the JOY of living, being Present and Alive through CHRIST.  I also realized that she is a really good choice to invite to the Ugandan Lambs fundraising dinner, and she even had a chance to meet the founders of that ministry today when she came to church.
And then yesterday, I had a chance to put into practice already what I will be focusing on next year.   My brothers and I were able to paint and put in new lights for our parents' kitchen.   It is a blessing to them, but also to me.  There is satisfaction in knowing that we are able to help and do good for others.

31-Dec:  I'm praying about this one friendship, for wisdom and perspective to know what it should look like going forward.  I never really spent a lot of time thinking about it, but, I recognize that it is not a very equitable friendship.  So, along the lines of stewardship, it may be best to step back and not devote so much time, energy, and resources; especially when it appears that it may not be fully understood or appreciated.  I sense that this person may be harboring some resentment towards me, without really accepting who I am nor realizing why the resentment may not be so justified.  I've always said that apart from sincere faith in God, one of the qualities that I most value in a friend is the ability to be open, direct, and honest.   This person has shown to be remiss in these areas.  So, while I am sad to be "letting go", it may be good in giving me back more time, energy, and resources to devote to "Loving Others".  I place this into God's Hands.
Also, it dawned on me that I can view my home remodeling as part of "Loving Others"; for, I will keep in mind what changes will enable me to host and welcome people in my home.  Today, I set up the funding which followed a decision made a few weeks ago.  I view all this as coming together as part of all that God is doing in my life, and I think the timing is now right.

3-Feb:  Having gained some additional perspective now that yet another month has gone by, I am convinced that to step back and transition from a close friendship to just a general friendship is the right thing to do in this particular situation.  What I have found is that in the last couple of months, I still sensed avoidance and those "negative feelings" towards me, yet, she still continued to ask for my help in various areas.  This last time we got together, she didn't even offer any encouragement at all; and after our time together, I became even more resolute in stepping back further.

9-Feb:  I am further convinced that it is time to let go of this friendship.   I heard that she was at church today with her friend; and she did not even bother to make the effort to even come by to say hello or to introduce me to her friend.   That does not reflect the actions of someone who is supposed to be a very close friend.

25-May:  I finally addressed the friendship head-on, and asked directly whether there was anything that was bothering her or that I needed to apologize for; and she confirmed that it wasn't anything like that.   I don't totally understand, but she cited how different we were; and then went on to say that with all the struggles she was going through, she just wanted to be alone with her self-pity.  So, that confirms to me that I can close the book on this close friendship and hereafter, we are just general friends.

28-May:  As I began evaluating this "friendship", I actually began to wonder what really sustained it.  We may have met through a mutual friend and shared a love of music.  However, when I review our old email communications, I realize that I was always the one helping, encouraging, and doing things for her; whereas, she was also apologizing for things, asking for help and prayer, and struggling with life.  I don't know why I didn't really see it, but she has always been needy and a resource vortex.  And when a "diva" attitude has now been added, it's no surprise that we have grown to be even more different.  I'm glad that circumstances have now helped me to see this clearly.   I now have a much better picture of what a truly good friendship should look like, and this is not it.   I just wonder why it took me so long to come to this realization. 

20-Jun:  Just as good friendships are a blessing, failed ones can really affect our lives negatively.   Just processing through it all has over the back of my mind since the beginning of the year, and in the last couple of weeks, I've even been having bad dreams about this person, leaving me with troubled and hurt feelings as I woke up.  I really do need to have better resolution for dealing with our "friendship" ongoing.  I place it all into God's Hands and trust that He will reveal to me the best course of action.   I am grateful that God has revealed to me that this is not a truly good and mutually beneficial friendship; and I am ready to let go of it.

7-Jul:  In keeping with my focus on Loving Others and on looking for opportunities to be a witness, one of those I've been praying for in the past 20 years, finally came to church with me on Sunday.  I'm not sure if there was more I could've steered the conversation into, but I do hope that what she was able to hear will sink in.   We did get a chance to go to Katella Deli for breakfast/brunch - the Belgian Waffle was good.  And she loved my bathroom remodel and wants the same porcelein slab for her shower.  I'm just trusting God to guide me in all that I say and do.   She did say that she was willing to come to church with me again.  May the Lord touch her heart and may His Will be done.  Amen.

11-Aug:  I learned that my friend's visa was denied last week.  It makes me wonder whether the struggles in our friendship were related in any way to possibly preparation for this.  I'm trying to identify whether I see signs of God's "Fingerprints".  I'm just grateful for all that I had learned through all this.

18-Aug:  So, my friend apologized for lack of maturity and communication in dealing with the issues from the trip.  I told her she didn't need to apologize for how she felt, but also expressed how much it hurt that she felt she couldn't talk to me about it.  I could've left it at that; but, I didn't want a friendship with issues swept under the rug of an apology that I suspected did not account for the present circumstances.  So, I went on to talk about what God has taught me about true friendship and open communication; and faced the present circumstances head on.   It was a difficult conversation, and in her words "awkward".   This morning, I wonder if I should've let it go; but, I know that I prayed about it before pursuing the conversation; so, I trust that God has a purpose in the direction it went.
As I "contemplate" it, I'm glad I did address it; because any friendship of mine needs to be genuine and open.  This one no longer was; and it would not be good stewardship of my limited resources to continue a merely tolerable co-existence.  And again, I wonder if this is related to God's plans related to her visa situation.

19-Aug:  After processing and talking it through, there are some additional insights and perspectives on the situation.  Until recently, my friend has essentially been a student all her life.   Since graduating, she has been going through this transition into the "real world" but has not yet found her "place".   With the uncertainty of her future with the visa situation, compounded by trials and challenges she has faced, she may feel a bit overwhelmed.  Add to that her issues with her dad, her own insecurities, different expectations for our trip, and our differences in personality, I ended up in the line of fire.  The other thing is that, rather than communicating her frustrations so that we'd be able to clarify any misperceptions, she just let it simmer.  Unfortunately, she has also wallowed in self-pity and depression; and thus, has not been able to effectively process, but instead sunk deeper.  I will just continue to pray for her and send her a card of encouragement.

22-Sept:  It's interesting that this "friend" has found herself in need of my help once again; and even though she hasn't been a friend to me since our trip, yet I'm still here for her when she needs it.  It doesn't feel right, and it makes me wonder if there is something I should've done differently.  I'm just not the type to person to refuse to help; but, I do somewhat feel "used".  It is interesting that as we studied Malachi where God said that He would have wanted the Temple doors shut so that no one could offer vain sacrifices, it made me wonder whether I really should put off anything that is not a true friendship; and not tolerate an empty imitation.

Links

This weekend, I experienced the truth of the saying "You are only as strong as your weakest link."   For our homeless outreach, we had everything all planned and preparations were all underway.  But, it is all not going to happen this month, mainly because of one person who was neglectful in communications and not fully invested.  There were so many who ended up being disappointed - those who looked forward to going for the very first time, because they were finally able to be off work; those who had taken time off work or had set apart time in their busy holiday schedules to fit this in; those who had prepared the message or rehearsed for the special music; those who invited friends, etc.  I'm not even sure if our "weakest link" realized what he had done or the number of people he had let down.   I was left with having to deliver the disappointing news to everyone; and am now left to consider how to better handle this ongoing.  I am seeking God's wisdom, for I need it.

However, I do trust that God is at work, even in our disappointments; and that His Timing is perfect.  We have all the blankets ready for the homeless outreach; though we will now have to wait yet another month before we can give them out.   I am thankful, though, that the blanket gift wrapping event turned out well.   About 23 people showed up to wrap the 200 hundred blankets (we put a tract in each package, and had personalized gift tags printed).   The blankets came in 6 large boxes (36 in each box about 30 pounds each). Fortunately, they were all able to fit into my car for transport.    It is nice that we were able to use the time, not only to wrap gifts for the needy, but also to fellowship with one another.  We met right after class, but was still able to set things up such that we have 4 tables with people wrapping, and were able to provide food:

• Turkey wrap rolls
• Mexican Salad (red leaf lettuce greens, diced cucumbers, tomatoes, and bell pepper, black bean and corn with lime juice and cilantro) with Jalapeno Ranch or Lime Vinagrette dressing
• Chips
• Taquitos, Chimichungas, and Mini Tacos
• Cookies and mini chocolates
• Drinks (sodas & juices)

It ended up being almost like a class Christmas party (with a purpose).

So, having all the blankets gift-wrapped, message ready, music prepared, and people lined up - it really is a let down to find out that we are not going to be able to serve until next month.  It makes me wonder what I could've done differently to avoid this.   May God help me to learn and grow through this experience, to be a better leader.  Amen.

However, it is our link to God that enables to have the hope that He will work all things together for good, no matter what.

Update:  While it takes only one weak link for the chain to break, it turns out that it only takes one really strong link to help pull it back together again.  So, our homeless outreach is back on for this month; and we will have a chance to give out the blankets as planned.
The question then becomes, whether it is better to just bypass the weak or broken link; or to try and strengthen or fix it?

This experience made me re-evaluate one of my other friendships.  I realized that it was actually more of a drain on my energy and resources than a benefit; so, it is not so equitable.  I'm starting to "pull back", and I need to be in prayer about whether I should.  It also dawned on me that this person actually makes me to feel not so good about myself, and I do not need additional discouragement in my life.   This is contrasted by other people, like in my church, who really seem to appreciate and respect me.

26-Dec:  So we did serve yesterday.  The music was great and the message seemed to have went well.   It was just that the numbers were lower.  We were told that because it's been so cold, many were taken to the winter shelter of the rescue mission instead.   Still, we were able to serve large portions and so, were able to serve most of the food.  We gave out about half of the blankets.   The rest I took over to be given out to the rescue mission winter shelter.    I just pray that God will use all of this for His purposes and glory.

Reflections of '13

As I take some time to look back on 2013, following are the things that stand out:

• I focused on the area of "Loving God", and what I learned is that the best way to Love God is to learn from His example of Love.  He is Love, and I should Love HIM the way He loves me - to give Him my all.  I'm looking forward to focusing on the second greatest commandment next year on "Loving Others"
• From reading through the Bible, I really enjoyed seeing threads woven through that I had not really seen before.  The Jan 9th blog entry also records many of the lessons I had learned through devotions.
• I finally went on the cruise to Hawaii as my friend and I planned.  It was a nice get-away and was very enjoyable.  There were some memories made that are memorable.
• The Lord drew me to think and learn about some new perspectives and considerations related to singleness and marriage.   I went on a couple of blind dates this year.   I'm glad I went through the experiences (I think); but, neither were totally what I hoped for.  I also gained some new understandings through reading the book I bought.   My thorn is still on the altar, and I don't know what the Lord has in store for me; but, I do trust in HIM.
• Also, I learned more about being a faithful steward.  Going through the estate planning process caused me to really evaluate how I am handling all the resources that God has placed in my care.   There are some changes in store.....

Overall, it was a good year.  Though there was not anything majorly noteworthy or new, I still grew and learned.   I also feel like I continued to be a faithful servant.  I believe that I have taught His Word faithfully, touched some lives, and helped others.  I cling to the Truths in His Word.