And then, already He is showing me areas that I can put into practice Loving Others. Starting with ringing in the New Year with others, I've also been invited to a fundraising dinner early in the year for Ugandan Lambs; for which I have an opportunity to invite someone and hopefully bless them as well.
29-Dec: On this last Sunday of 2013, I praise God for His faithfulness and graciousness, still being at work in my life despite my failings. He was able to clearly show me that I should study Zechariah in the next Bible Study series for my class. Also, I was really blessed with the time I was able to spend with my friend who came to worship with me today. We can relate to each other in the things we go through and what God teaches us. We shared about seeking the JOY of living, being Present and Alive through CHRIST. I also realized that she is a really good choice to invite to the Ugandan Lambs fundraising dinner, and she even had a chance to meet the founders of that ministry today when she came to church.
And then yesterday, I had a chance to put into practice already what I will be focusing on next year. My brothers and I were able to paint and put in new lights for our parents' kitchen. It is a blessing to them, but also to me. There is satisfaction in knowing that we are able to help and do good for others.
31-Dec: I'm praying about this one friendship, for wisdom and perspective to know what it should look like going forward. I never really spent a lot of time thinking about it, but, I recognize that it is not a very equitable friendship. So, along the lines of stewardship, it may be best to step back and not devote so much time, energy, and resources; especially when it appears that it may not be fully understood or appreciated. I sense that this person may be harboring some resentment towards me, without really accepting who I am nor realizing why the resentment may not be so justified. I've always said that apart from sincere faith in God, one of the qualities that I most value in a friend is the ability to be open, direct, and honest. This person has shown to be remiss in these areas. So, while I am sad to be "letting go", it may be good in giving me back more time, energy, and resources to devote to "Loving Others". I place this into God's Hands.
Also, it dawned on me that I can view my home remodeling as part of "Loving Others"; for, I will keep in mind what changes will enable me to host and welcome people in my home. Today, I set up the funding which followed a decision made a few weeks ago. I view all this as coming together as part of all that God is doing in my life, and I think the timing is now right.
3-Feb: Having gained some additional perspective now that yet another month has gone by, I am convinced that to step back and transition from a close friendship to just a general friendship is the right thing to do in this particular situation. What I have found is that in the last couple of months, I still sensed avoidance and those "negative feelings" towards me, yet, she still continued to ask for my help in various areas. This last time we got together, she didn't even offer any encouragement at all; and after our time together, I became even more resolute in stepping back further.
9-Feb: I am further convinced that it is time to let go of this friendship. I heard that she was at church today with her friend; and she did not even bother to make the effort to even come by to say hello or to introduce me to her friend. That does not reflect the actions of someone who is supposed to be a very close friend.
25-May: I finally addressed the friendship head-on, and asked directly whether there was anything that was bothering her or that I needed to apologize for; and she confirmed that it wasn't anything like that. I don't totally understand, but she cited how different we were; and then went on to say that with all the struggles she was going through, she just wanted to be alone with her self-pity. So, that confirms to me that I can close the book on this close friendship and hereafter, we are just general friends.
28-May: As I began evaluating this "friendship", I actually began to wonder what really sustained it. We may have met through a mutual friend and shared a love of music. However, when I review our old email communications, I realize that I was always the one helping, encouraging, and doing things for her; whereas, she was also apologizing for things, asking for help and prayer, and struggling with life. I don't know why I didn't really see it, but she has always been needy and a resource vortex. And when a "diva" attitude has now been added, it's no surprise that we have grown to be even more different. I'm glad that circumstances have now helped me to see this clearly. I now have a much better picture of what a truly good friendship should look like, and this is not it. I just wonder why it took me so long to come to this realization.
20-Jun: Just as good friendships are a blessing, failed ones can really affect our lives negatively. Just processing through it all has over the back of my mind since the beginning of the year, and in the last couple of weeks, I've even been having bad dreams about this person, leaving me with troubled and hurt feelings as I woke up. I really do need to have better resolution for dealing with our "friendship" ongoing. I place it all into God's Hands and trust that He will reveal to me the best course of action. I am grateful that God has revealed to me that this is not a truly good and mutually beneficial friendship; and I am ready to let go of it.
7-Jul: In keeping with my focus on Loving Others and on looking for opportunities to be a witness, one of those I've been praying for in the past 20 years, finally came to church with me on Sunday. I'm not sure if there was more I could've steered the conversation into, but I do hope that what she was able to hear will sink in. We did get a chance to go to Katella Deli for breakfast/brunch - the Belgian Waffle was good. And she loved my bathroom remodel and wants the same porcelein slab for her shower. I'm just trusting God to guide me in all that I say and do. She did say that she was willing to come to church with me again. May the Lord touch her heart and may His Will be done. Amen.
11-Aug: I learned that my friend's visa was denied last week. It makes me wonder whether the struggles in our friendship were related in any way to possibly preparation for this. I'm trying to identify whether I see signs of God's "Fingerprints". I'm just grateful for all that I had learned through all this.
18-Aug: So, my friend apologized for lack of maturity and communication in dealing with the issues from the trip. I told her she didn't need to apologize for how she felt, but also expressed how much it hurt that she felt she couldn't talk to me about it. I could've left it at that; but, I didn't want a friendship with issues swept under the rug of an apology that I suspected did not account for the present circumstances. So, I went on to talk about what God has taught me about true friendship and open communication; and faced the present circumstances head on. It was a difficult conversation, and in her words "awkward". This morning, I wonder if I should've let it go; but, I know that I prayed about it before pursuing the conversation; so, I trust that God has a purpose in the direction it went.
As I "contemplate" it, I'm glad I did address it; because any friendship of mine needs to be genuine and open. This one no longer was; and it would not be good stewardship of my limited resources to continue a merely tolerable co-existence. And again, I wonder if this is related to God's plans related to her visa situation.
19-Aug: After processing and talking it through, there are some additional insights and perspectives on the situation. Until recently, my friend has essentially been a student all her life. Since graduating, she has been going through this transition into the "real world" but has not yet found her "place". With the uncertainty of her future with the visa situation, compounded by trials and challenges she has faced, she may feel a bit overwhelmed. Add to that her issues with her dad, her own insecurities, different expectations for our trip, and our differences in personality, I ended up in the line of fire. The other thing is that, rather than communicating her frustrations so that we'd be able to clarify any misperceptions, she just let it simmer. Unfortunately, she has also wallowed in self-pity and depression; and thus, has not been able to effectively process, but instead sunk deeper. I will just continue to pray for her and send her a card of encouragement.
22-Sept: It's interesting that this "friend" has found herself in need of my help once again; and even though she hasn't been a friend to me since our trip, yet I'm still here for her when she needs it. It doesn't feel right, and it makes me wonder if there is something I should've done differently. I'm just not the type to person to refuse to help; but, I do somewhat feel "used". It is interesting that as we studied Malachi where God said that He would have wanted the Temple doors shut so that no one could offer vain sacrifices, it made me wonder whether I really should put off anything that is not a true friendship; and not tolerate an empty imitation.
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