It's not just the loss of him specifically that I am grieving. It's the embodiment of what this represents; it's the realization of my fear of rejection; and it's the doubts created by my insecurities.
Yet, I did say that I would trust God no matter the outcome; and I believe that He knows what is best for me. So, maybe this is a test to see if that is true; and whether I still believe that His grace is sufficient for me. I know that I will get through this; I do love God with all my heart, soul, and mind; and there is nothing on earth I desire more than HIM. That has not changed, even in spite of my circumstances.
What I learn from this experience, is that my faith is still strong, though tested. And that what I advised another person is demonstrated in my life.
Also, this experience ties a loose end, and I no longer have to ever wonder about it. I also see that I will just continue what I have been doing - serving God wholeheartedly and letting HIM use me, no matter my circumstance.
Even in the midst of the disappointment and sorrow, I can see that God's Hand was in this. He did not leave me to be utterly crushed; but showed me that there was some measure of interest and gave me the clear message that there was respect for my being a faithful servant, that I was an "impressive person", and that time spent together was enjoyed.
I trust that I learn and grow through all my experiences, this one included.
8-Sep: God, in His wonderful love and caring, provided the reassurance and encouragement that I needed. I've felt affirmed by several others; and I do feel that the self-esteem that was shaken has been restored. I love my God who provides all that I need. Amen!
25-Sep: Looking back, I do think that overall, what I take away from this experience is that tying of the loose end; and knowing that I have been able to face my fear of rejection and come out of it stronger through God's guidance.
30-Sep: There was a quote that stood out to me, spoken by the Mulan character in the "Once Upon a Time" show of all places: "Your belief in love was not strong enough to overcome your fear of rejection." Interestingly, what that says to me is that we would be willing to risk rejection if we found a love worth risking it for.
9-Oct: I heard a quote today from Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" that I thought was beautiful: "I love you with so much of my heart that none of it is left to protest with." I would like to find One I would love that much.
1-Nov: The Focus on the Family newsletter today talked about find the value in spouses; and I'm reminded how important it is that the person I am with would recognize my value. Proverbs 18:22 says "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD."
31-Jan: Enough time has passed that I feel like I have been able to process and gain some perspective. Looking back now, I can accept that this was likely for the best. As I have learned more about the situation and about him, as well as having had time to think it through; I can see that there would have been challenges and I wonder if there are areas that he still needs to resolve and grow in. So, I can truly say that I am resting in God's decisions for my life; and I entrust my future to HIM, waiting for His best for me.
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