The Singlehood Phenomenon

I didn't think I would be picking up yet another book on singleness to read; let alone buying one.  I have read so many in the past and have a shelf full of them.  But, I came across "The Singlehood Phenomenon" by Drs Beverly and Tom Rodgers, and their ten reasons for the current existing singlehood phenomenon seemed interesting, plausible, and relevant.

#1 - Skepticism About Love and Marriage  "I'd rather be alone than in a bad marriage" - yes, I've said that and I still think that; but, after reading the chapter, I think that over the years, I've been able to gain proper perspective and balance.  I have at some point in my life gone through some of the fears mentioned (e.g. making a mistake, relational insecurity, etc) and even used the defense of "reaction formation" occasionally.  I can also relate to the story in the chapter.  But then, I do recognize that I still hold to a hope of being married one day.

#2 - Lack of Faith in God's Provision "I'm not sure if I have a soul mate" - I don't really have a problem with this one in that I can dissociate disappointment of those around me from God's provision.  In fact, I have clearly learned that it is God Who is the only one who is perfect and will never fail me.   He is the One I look upon when I am disappointed by others here on earth.  I also do have a realistic view of "soul mates" and don't consider that an obstacle.  However, in some ways, I did relate to the story in the chapter, and I have had to work harder to be independent and successful in my male-dominated profession.  I do have some "disappointments" that may color my views.

#3 - Unresolved Issues from the Past "I always seem to attract unhealthy people" - This chapter focused on family history, soul wounds, and childhood hurts.  It was interesting to think about the stages of social development:  1) Attachment (birth-18mnths), 2) Exploration (18mnth-3yrs), 3)  Identity (3-4yrs), 4) Competence (4-7yrs), 5) Social Concern (7-12yrs), 6) Intimacy (13-19yrs).  I think I have addressed these areas in my life; and I don't think I've had unhealthy relationships.  However, maybe if I evaluate further, I may be able to improve my social skills

#4 - Confusion about the Rules "I don't even know how to date" - I liked the term "intentional dating", which is between casual dating and courtship.  This chapter shows me that it is important to avoid unclear intentions.

#5 - A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage "I think being single may be an easier way to live" - I see this as being similar to #1.  Despite society's negative view and redefinitions of marriage, I understand God's design for it; and I know that the world's ways are often not the same as God's.

#6 - Fear of Getting Hurt "I don't want to be hurt again" - This chapter seems to combine some of the ideas from previous chapters, such as dealing with fears, family history, etc.   I haven't had any really bad relationships, so I don't have a fear so much of being hurt.  I do think that with the right person, it is worth the risk.

#7 - Wanting the Perfect Mate "I'm not a perfectionist; I'm just picky" - There may be people who likely think that this one applies to me.  I will admit to having high standards; but, they are in areas I consider Scriptural - godliness, love-respect, etc.  I don't feel that I relate to the story in the chapter; though, I found the discussion of hormones and chemistry interesting.   And, the "four-year itch" may have played a factor in my experiences as well.

#8 Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak "I don't want to feel the pain" - In many ways, this can be related to #3 and #6.   However, the story dealt particularly with those who have been divorced; and it actually describes well what I see in L. and her never having dealt directly with nor healed from her divorce.

#9 An Unbalanced Focus on Career "I want to be established before I get married" - I'm glad the chapter talks about the healthy focus on career, because being "established" is not a bad thing, considering that finances is one of the major areas of issues in a marriage.   I don't have an unbalanced focus; and I'm only where I am now because the alternative has not presented itself.

#10 Concern That the Marriage will Fail "I don't want to get divorced" - This may be the best chapter in terms of information provided.  It was interesting that the list of issues couples typically fight about are:  money, sex, roles, child rearing, in-laws, religion, and jealousy.  It's good to know that these are things that need to be resolved or avoided.  I also like the list of characteristics that can be used as predictors of divorce:  Criticism, Stonewalling, Defensiveness, and Contempt.   Definitely characteristics to watch for and avoid.  Then, on the flip side, characteristics that can be used as predictors of marital success:  Repair Attempts, Accepting Influence, Soft Versus Hard Start-Up, and More Positive Than Negative Comments - Good things to keep in mind and develop.  The keys to marital success they listed were:

• Practice healthy mate selection and seek God for His choice for you
• Learn all that you can about developing the skills of a healthy marriage
• Keep the Lord the center of your union
• Sign up for keeps.  Do not consider divorce as an option.
• Commit to being a soul healer in your marriage

What I liked most about the chapter was that they said that they found that what was found in many research as needed for marital success was actually already in Scripture, particularly the Book of Proverbs.   It is so true, that the best "marriage guidebook" is the Bible.

Overall, rather than 10 reasons for the Singlehood Phenomenon, I think it could have been consolidated into maybe 3:

1. Unsound Perspective of Marriage  (would include not understanding God's Design, influence of society, lack of Biblical foundation, etc)
2. Unresolved Issues (would include Fears, "Soul Wounds", Social Development, Family History, Past Relationships, Divorce, etc)
3. Unbalanced Priorities (would include looking for "perfection" or "chemistry" only, focus on career, lack of intentional dating, etc)

I believe that over the years, I have developed a Biblical perspective of Marriage, that I have worked on issues and fears, and am fairly well-balanced.   What this book is beneficial in doing, is to confirm what I have learned; and also to give me additional thoughts to ponder about other possible areas that I can adjust and work on.